Kevin McCarthy makes a deal

You’ve read it here on the Bozosphere first. We all know that Kevin had to cut a deal with someone or some group to get the votes to become Speaker of the House. Rumors were more plentiful than Xmas trees in December. But now, we found out with whom Kevin cut the deal.

Setting: It is a late night in Kevin McCarthy’s home office. He’s seated in front of a computer with a spreadsheet visible on the monitor. Kevin is wearing a MAGA hat, a DeSantis sweatshirt and Ted Cruz for President 2016 pajama pants.

Kevin (to himself out loud): 218, 218, 218. I’m not there yet and I can’t figure out how I’m going to get there. If I promise the Tea Party lunatics what they want, I’ll lose the few moderate Republicans votes I can muster. What am I going to do?

Suddenly there is flash of light, a puff of smoke, and a smell of sulfur. In the corner of the room there is a man dressed in a black suit, black shirt, black tie, and black shoes. His face is covered in darkness.

Devil: So, Kevin, I hear you’re pretty desperate to become Speaker. And the smart money says you don’t have the votes. And them that know say you’re having trouble getting the votes. Am I right?

Kevin: Well, yeah, that’s about it. Who are you? Wait, you’re not the Devil are you? You really exist and you’re here to help me?

Devil: Kevin, I do exist indeed. And I’m here to make you an offer which you won’t refuse.

Kevin: What is it? I’m getting a bit desperate with the voting starting in a few days.

Devil: Do you know the story about Faust?

Kevin: You mean the football coach a while back, Jerry Faust?

Devil: No Kevin, didn’t they teach you anything at Bakersfield High? Never mind.

Devil (to himself): I used to meet a better class of corruptible and corrupted people.

Devil (to Kevin): Faust and I cut a deal and I’m going to offer you a similar deal. Faust wanted supreme wisdom. I gave it to him.

Kevin: And what did he do in return? Sell his first born child to you? Tell you his secret for turning lead into gold? Get you really good seats to the Super Bowl? The names and numbers of some really hot babes?

Devil: Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Why would I want any of those things. Nope, in return for supreme wisdom for 24 years he sold me his soul. Of course, that meant eternal damnation in Hell. My deal with you will be similar.

Kevin: Hey, I’ve already done enough kissing Trump’s butt and lying to my colleagues, the public and everyone else to warrant eternal damnation. What are you offering me?

Devil: You can be Speaker, but you’re not getting 24 years like Faust got. I’ll give you six years max but you’re responsible for taking care of this gift. So, no kissing Ronny DeSantis’s butt after if you think that The Donald is politically dead. Same goes for Teddy Bear Cruz or any other GOP presidential wannabe.

Kevin: How come Faust gets 24 years and I only get 6?

Devil: No offense Kevin, but Faust’s soul is a lot more valuable than yours. He was a scholar and gentleman and you are … Well, Kevin, we both know what you are.

Kevin (to himself): I don’t like this but 6 years is enough because then I’ll be President. And I’ll do all the butt kissing I need, like I’ve always done. How’s this schmuck going to find out? This self-important twerp thinks he knows everything. I’ve pulled the wool over so many people for so long, this guy’s just another fool in the line.

Kevin (to Devil): Sure, works for me. What do we need to formalize this? A handshake should work, nothing in pen and ink. OK?

Devil: No pen and ink. You sign here in your own blood. That’s all the paperwork I need.

Devil (to himself): Wow, this was a lot easier than my negotiations with Faust. But then again, I’m dealing here with a different class of human.

Kevin: OK, I’ve signed in blood. Something just occurred to me. Can I back out of the deal at any time if things don’t go the right way?

Devil: No Kevin, that’s not possible. Deals with the Devil are not like mulligans in golf. Once you sign in blood, the deal is permanent. I wouldn’t try wriggling out of this one were I you.